locked out

^{[I originally posted this entry as early access for my Patreon patrons on 17 July 2021].}

So today, continuing the theme for the year, the result for the PCR test I took yesterday came back positive for Covid-19.

Because, of course.

Though, hilariously, because of everything else that's already happened this year, somehow, this is the least upsetting or disappointing piece of news I've received in the past seven to eight months.

It just seems like another piece of the puzzle that is my 2021.

Thank Science, I'd already had one dose of the vaccine, so the worst of it already seems to have passed.

No thanks to all the English football fans on the Tube on Sunday shouting 'It's coming home!' at the top of their lungs. While wearing masks around their necks instead of over their massive gobs.

Even with all my obsessive hand-sanitising, masking and not touching a damned thing while commuting, I'm sure that's where I caught it. And based on my symptoms, I'd lay bets it was the much more contagious (but, thankfully, less deadly) Delta strain.

Amusingly, today, as I completed the NHS Test and Trace documentation after receiving my results, I realised I have, in fact, lost my sense of smell. Though not my sense of taste.

To confirm this, I:

• sniffed heavily of my dried thyme (which has been my go-to for checking for covid previously),

• stuck my nose into a large jar of peanut butter, and

• sniffed rosemary and oregano in their bottles.

All registered a complete blank for scent.

Despite not having showered since leaving the flat at 11:30 yesterday to go for the PCR test, further confirmation has been provided by my apparent lack of body odour at 19:00 the next day. Anyone who knows me and knows how I sweat in 26-degree heat (yesterday's temperature), especially after walking for more than 90 minutes, knows this is a physical impossibility. My sense of smell has definitely left the building.

And, I guess, so has my shock and indignation at anything 2021 has left to throw at me.

mushed rooms

^{[I originally posted this entry as early access for my Patreon patrons on 16 July 2021].}

The past two days have mostly been a write-off.

Apart from an official call, some personal calls, a chat with a good friend on FB Messenger and a couple of minor tasks yesterday, I spent most of the day sleeping or trying to sleep. I managed to eat and keep my fluids up, but not much else.

Wednesday and Thursday brought a day and a half of coughing, headaches and mild temperatures. In the wee hours of this morning, I must have had a fever, as I woke up with my t-shirt drenched and clinging to me. So today, I went to the nearest walk-through Covid-19 testing site for my first ever PCR test.

I still feel it's more likely just a head cold knocking me for six after not being ill since early in 2019. But there were enough potential signs from both the early variants and the Delta variant for me to err on the side of caution and do the right thing by my fellow citizens.

Thankfully, by this morning, I felt more confident in my ability to complete a 90-minute round-trip on foot to the testing centre. Unfortunately, I was still too out of it to think about putting on SPF50 for the journey.

If I had thought of it, I possibly also would have worried about sunscreen contaminating the test. But, at least, I would have slathered the sunscreen on my arms and taken it with me to apply to my face for the return journey.

Alas, no good deed goes unpunished. So, to add to my poor health, I now have a fierce sunburn on my forehead, nose, upper arms and around the front of my neck. Suffice to say, the sunburn didn't improve my headache any.

On the positive side (thank goodness there is almost always a positive side!): I took a detour on the way back through Tottenham Cemetery, including a wander around the lake there, a few glimpses of the River Moselle, and communed with the Canadian geese, pigeons, squirrels, and some other birds I didn't recognise.

I'm feeling vaguely more human now. Enough to do some small pieces, like edit the above image to share with you. But I'll likely call it a night again soon and hope my test results come back negative tomorrow and that this was all just a nasty head cold.

Either way - and at the risk of cursing myself - I seem to have passed the worst of it now.

For those who'd like to know: I spotted these fellows at the base of a tree in The Royal Oak's car park in Ashbourne as I was departing the hotel after a hearty breakfast with my parents in June 2017.

I hope you're keeping well xx

untitled #140

^{[I originally posted this entry as early access for my Patreon patrons on 13 July 2021].}

In the wee hours of this morning, I had the chance to watch the final episode of Can't Get You Out of My Head: An Emotional History of the Modern World. I mentioned it in my post on Friday.

While there was a little cognitive dissonance for me in some of what Adam Curtis talked about in the closing section of the docuseries, I'm willing to look into that further. I think elements may not stand up given further information that has come to light between the series being released to BBC iPlayer on 11 February and now.

However, I was (pleasantly) surprised that the docuseries ended on a hopeful note.

It was not so much Curtis providing a 'solution'. But he quoted an American anthropologist and anarchist activist, David Graeber, who I'd not previously heard of. Based on the quote and the title of his books, I will definitely have to read up more on him and read his books.

About this time last year, I first heard about Doughnut Economics. And in September last year, I wrote a rant titled Fuck capitalism! What's next? I spewed out ideas that had been whirling around my head since close to the beginning of the pandemic.

I haven't re-read my rant since I wrote it, so I'm not sure it's worth sharing, and it wasn't complete. But around the same time, I was having conversations with anyone who would listen about how we needed to take this opportunity to do things differently going forward.

Some people were open to what I had to say. But a lot - including many close to me - responded with statements like "That won't happen in my lifetime". Or "That's a pipedream". Or (in respect to discussions about Universal Basic Income) "But how would we pay for it?"

Graeber's quote from The Utopia of Rules: On Technology, Stupidity, and the Secret Joys of Bureaucracy neatly encapsulates my response to most of those naysayers:

The ultimate, hidden truth of the world is that it is something that we make, and could just as easily make differently.

At the time of these discussions, I didn't claim to have all of the answers. Or even any of them. And I still don't. But I didn't (and don't) see why we couldn't (and can't) be asking the questions and completely changing things up.

People before us came up with capitalism, communism, socialism, dictatorships, and on and on. Why can't we create something new that works for everyone? That may include the best elements of the above and/or completely new ideas?

And yes, I know I sound blindly optimistic about this. But why not? What is actually stopping us?

I have learned so much in the past year or so. Predominantly through listening to others and being more open-minded about how we could improve. And how we can move forward with greater equality as a global society.

Sure, there are likely to be few "quick wins", and there are plenty of right-wing folks scaremongering and creating division to protect "the old ways" that favour them.

But there is so much to gain if we can make the world differently.

on the fence

^{[I originally posted this entry as early access for my Patreon patrons on 12 July 2021].}

Despite the hormonal cocktail of the past weekend and a bit, it was predominantly filled with much-needed human interactions.

Long conversations - both virtual and face-to-face - with people I've had long-lasting friendships with.

A mix of topics, a mix of emotions. But all, ultimately, supportive, inspiring, empathetic. And, once again, demonstrating how lucky I am to have built up such a wonderfully supportive network of humans around me.

I had the chance to repay one of those good friends by visiting him in hospital yesterday while he's in for observation. (He's doing well and in good spirits). That's pretty much the only way you'll ever manage to lure me into central London on the day of a football final, especially where England are in the finals and hosting them.

Unfortunately, England's loss last night resulted in an utterly predictable outpouring of racism, hooliganism and destruction. I'm not convinced a win would have changed that aspect of the night. The only positive I took from the situation was a deathly silence post-game which I would not have enjoyed if they had won.

On the positive side: venturing into the city yesterday provided me with a chance to refocus my attention on someone else's situation and away from my interior monologue.

We had a two-plus hour conversation about our respective futures. About writing. About my art. About grasping opportunities.

On the negative side: I finally saw the National Covid Memorial Wall along the Thames, below St Thomas' Hospital, firsthand. It was overwhelming in its sheer extent, and I didn't have the emotional strength to walk the length of it. The complete lifting of England's covid restrictions in a week feels all too soon.

Some contract work I've been doing has now ended. My latest freelance gig was completed last week. So this week, I will be busy drumming up some new work, creating for you, and having at least one potential flatmate viewing my flat.

I also have many ideas whirling around in my head that I'd like to start developing.

And, at least for the rest of this evening, I'll be enjoying the sound of the rain outside my window while I edit more photos.

I hope your week is full of rainbows after the storms x

semper vivum

^{[I originally posted this image as early access for my Patreon patrons on 11 July 2021].}

under gloucester avenue

^{[I originally posted this image as early access for my Patreon patrons on 10 July 2021].}

wrinkled

^{[I originally posted this entry as early access for my Patreon patrons on 9 July 2021].}

If I recall correctly - and the metadata would seem to support my belief - these fun guys were growing on the edge of Cornubia Lutheran Cemetery. Also known as Carbrook Lutheran Cemetery, it's a private cemetery.

There were three different types of fungi growing there that I photographed. I also have photos of some developing fungi, but I'd need to confirm which mushrooms they're the babes of.

These were taken the day after my birthday in 2009. My parents and I took a drive together to explore what ended up being three different cemeteries in the area around where they lived at the time.

Those closest to me know me well and indulge my photographic obsessions. I'm thankful those people have included my parents. Even if they, like others, have rolled their eyes from time to time. Or chosen not to look at photographs I've taken of roadkill or other disturbing subjects I've captured.

Yesterday evening ended up being less productive than planned.

Against my better judgment, I let myself engage with anti-vaxxers on Nextdoor for the first time in a while. I shouldn't have.

After doing some chores around the flat ahead of tomorrow's viewing, I also let myself watch some US right-wing media indulging in bullshit talking points. Call it masochism, but I tend to do it to ensure that I'm seeing this stuff in context and not automatically taking the left-wing media's side of the story. Every single time, watching the entire piece is more damning than any left-wing analysis of soundbites from it.

Every. Single. Time.

I'm constantly amazed by what people will believe. How gullible and lacking in critical thinking they must be to not question what they're being sold. How blatant the bullshit is. It's gobsmacking, and I regularly want to shake these presenters, "journalists", whatever you want to call them. ("Shaking" is the least violent action I can think of. And I'm not a violent person, but many of these people incite violent responses in me).

Related: last night, I watched the penultimate episode of Can't Get You Out of My Head: An Emotional History of the Modern World, a six-part BBC documentary created by British filmmaker Adam Curtis.

I'm generally not a fan of libertarianism (at least not the way it's been co-opted by the right-wing). And that seems to be how Curtis most closely identifies himself, though he doesn't really identify himself as anything politically. But I've learned a lot/been inspired to learn more through watching the series. And the first four episodes inspired much deeper discussions about the content and narrative when I wasn't watching them alone.

Having not yet watched the final episode, I don't exactly know where Curtis is leading. And from past experience, he's very good at identifying issues but not providing any solutions and making the viewer feel even more helpless and demoralised than before viewing (see: Hypernormalisation). But episode five definitely seemed to endorse a more critical review of what Brits and Americans - and by extension, Australians - have been taught about the mythological history of their countries. Which is especially relevant right now, in my opinion.

PS: This took me far longer than it should have to edit and post because of the regular excessive noise from my neighbours over my back fence. It should have been shared an hour ago. Please remind me why I'm signing up for a new 12-month lease soon..?

please keep this gate closed

^{[I originally posted this entry as early access for my Patreon patrons on 8 July 2021].}

Phewf! Feeling that strange, scattered, drained feeling at the moment. The one I get after I finally make it over the finish line of a project and my brain starts to zone out a bit.

I had a manic evening into the wee hours overnight. And again this morning until mid-afternoon, ensuring I got a client's design work finalised for their first conference, which is now taking place virtually as I type.

Between client work and my own photography/art/writing, I've already clocked up 36 hours since Saturday. And I have plenty of plans for more photo editing and other bits and pieces for the rest of today and tomorrow, including a call with a potential new client.

I also need to squeeze some cleaning in before a potential flatmate comes to view the flat on Saturday morning, but that can wait until tomorrow. This evening is all mine and will be full of photo editing, and likely some 'Vikings' when I run out of steam.

I took this photograph at the entrance to the field surrounding St Thomas a Becket Church in Fairfield, Kent, on Walland Marsh, part of Romney Marsh, in 2016.

I still have so many photographs of the church and the resident mowing team (sheep) still to edit and share with you from that little oasis.

But for now, it's back to editing photos of Londinium :)

amongst the mangroves

^{[I originally posted this entry as early access for my Patreon patrons on 7 July 2021].}

It was a busy day today once I surfaced.

Plenty of photo editing. Some client work. Exchanges with a potential new flatmate.

I had hoped to post this around midnight then binge the last three episodes of season one of 'Vikings'. But I was slightly sidelined at the last minute, and now I'm too tired for TV.

I took this at Redland Bay in 2009. My parents lived a short walk from here, and I had moved to stay with them not too long before.

I took it during a photo walk with another local photographer I met through RedBubble (whose name I don't actually recall now!). Earlier on the same day that I'd met Mel Brackstone to visit the abandoned house in Eight Mile Plains, where I took 'van life', which I shared with you last week.

Mangroves and their pneumatophores (or "breathing tubes") really are bizarre but quite clever.

the tenant of wildfell hall

^{[I originally posted this entry as early access for my Patreon patrons on 4 July 2021].}

It was a wet and windy day when I visited Anne Brontë's final resting place in St Mary's churchyard in Scarborough in June 2017.

The weather felt appropriate, as did the wilted flowers against the headstone.

i have an unhealthy relationship with my body

^{[I originally posted this entry as early access for my Patreon patrons on 4 July 2021].}

CW: eating disorders, body dysmorphia, body-shaming, fat-shaming

This piece also includes language some may find offensive.

I have an unhealthy relationship with my body.

It started just as I was becoming a woman. At least, as much as I recall, though maybe there were other signs before I can remember. I would be surprised if there weren't.

But the first instances that come to mind of my unhealthy relationship with my body were around 11 years old. Definitely by the time I finished primary school.

It started with a combination of examples set out for me, some from family, some from glossy magazines. You know, the way most of us learn and internalise these things from a young age. Not all are intentionally put there to harm us, but others are seemingly as old as time.

I first remember discussing healthy weight ranges with my Mum. I don't know how it came up. I don't even remember weighing myself much at that age. I had to go into my parents' ensuite to do so. I don't recall a scale in the main bathroom when my brothers and I were kids. At some point, maybe I asked my Mum how much I should weigh. Perhaps she looked it up to see what was healthy for my height and age.

I wasn't overweight; I was slim. I was active in the school playground. I played sports: netball, Newcomb ball and softball. And I was one of the few girls in my grade five and six classes who would go in to catch the ball when we played Kanga cricket. I usually tried out for various athletic events for interschool sports: the 100m, 400m and 800m races, relays and, hilariously, looking back, high jump. At the time, I was around the second or third tallest girl in my year, though I never grew any taller after I turned eleven.

But I remember my Mum taking a magazine out of the bottom drawer of her bedside cabinet to show me a graph. I was near the bottom of the healthy weight range for my height.

I never asked my Mum why she kept her Slimming magazines tucked away where she did. It was the kind of place someone might hide away pornographic magazines, not health magazines. So, to this day, I don't know if she kept them there because it was handy for her to read the articles.

Or if she was ashamed of buying them and reading them because she felt shamed by her weight issues.

Or if she kept them there to avoid setting an example of body-shaming to her daughter. Maybe she didn't want me to be obsessed with weight loss and body shapes and sizes and fixate on such things as an impressionable pre-teen.

If it was the latter, unfortunately, it didn't work.

I didn't become obsessive about weighing myself straight away. I still don't recall weighing myself every day at that point.

But I know I regularly went to her drawer to pull out that magazine to check where I fit on the graph whenever my weight wavered. I checked and re-checked it to reassure myself. Eventually, all I needed to remember was to stay as close to eight stone as possible. Then all would be okay.

My discovery of that graph would have coincided with a friend introducing me to Dolly magazine.

Though we were only about 11 and 12, her sister was a couple of years older and already deep in the world of glossy teen and fashion magazines.

I was still crushing on teen heartthrobs in the pages of Smash Hits, Bop and The Big Bopper and reading magazines that were supposedly more healthy for young women, like Girlfriend.

My friend introduced me to Dolly, Teen Vogue, I think, and other magazines handed down from her sister. Magazines to ease young girls into the constant mixed messages they would become accustomed to as they grew older. Glossy pages full of articles about loving yourself whilst simultaneously working out which parts (physical, emotional and mental) of yourself to hate this week/month/year and what the best ways of covering up those shortcomings were: makeup, creams, tablets, fashion.

Like most teenage girls, I internalised all of these expectations pretty quickly. And what the magazines taught me was rapidly reinforced in the halls of my high school.

In year eight, when a boy I fancied told me I had a "fat arse" as I walked up the stairs into the building in front of him, it played over and over in my mind. For most of the following three years, I wore oversize t-shirts over my jeans to cover my "fat arse". I don't know what I weighed then, but it was unlikely to be much over 55kg, but likely less.

At 16 or 17 years old - the earliest I would have been allowed to use a public gym - my younger brother and I signed up at a gym in the small town where we had moved.

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By the time I was in year 12 and allowed to wear casual clothing to school every day, I realised I had a flat stomach. And my arse wasn't fat. So I finally gained the confidence to wear midriff tops and my jeans down on my hips.

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dance dance dance

For the three years I was at college, I spent almost as many hours per week dancing in nightclubs as in the classroom. I spent three to five hours a night, three to five nights a week, dancing to indie, alternative, retro and disco hits with friends.

When I finished college, I managed to get a much-reduced price on a gym membership. I got back into exercising regularly there as well as on the dancefloor.

By the time I was 18, I had internalised an image of how women should look. So much so that I didn't flinch when a guy I regularly went out dancing with would point at and ridicule other women around me for having "cunt-pots". All I thought at the time was how good it was that I didn't have one.

Another friend put up "pool rules" for his inflatable pool bought with his redundancy payment. The first rule was "No fat chicks", and the last rule was "Definitely no fat chicks". I still didn't flinch. I wasn't a "fat chick". Why should I?

When a guy I slept with bragged about how he'd never had a girl in his bed who weighed over 60kg, I was once again proud I didn't weigh over 60kg.

It was only later, when I got together with a woman I met through the last guy, that I thought about how fucked up his thinking was when she pointed out that she had been in his bed and she weighed over 60kg. She was taller than me, far from overweight and gorgeous. There was a shared sense of victory in her breaking his rule without him having a clue.

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blue

It wasn't until about 1998 that I realised how much interest I'd lost in food. Up until about 14 years old - with some exceptions - I enjoyed most food. My parents always served up hearty, delicious meals or took us to quality restaurants to sample a variety of world cuisines.

Sometime in my early teens, I switched to ordering entrees instead of main meals most of the time when we ate out. That may have given me space for desserts on some occasions, but, equally, I may have declined dessert. I claimed it was because my stomach wasn't that big. An entree-sized meal filled me up. And, arguably, it did. But it was ingrained in my mind to eat less; stay slim.

When my parents started running a motel and restaurant in country Victoria when I was in year 10, I lost more interest in food.

Most of what we ate the chefs prepared in the kitchen at the restaurant. By November 1993, I had become vegetarian. There were usually one or two vegetarian dishes on the menu at any one time, or the chefs would knock me up a quick and easy pasta. Or I'd have a bowl of fries. Or microwaved veggie burgers, sans bread or fillings.

If you have a limited range to choose from, even the most delicious meal becomes boring and repetitive. I loved snow peas until we lived there, then I just found them uninspiring. The only element I never tired of was Hasselback scalloped potatoes.

When I was at college and in my first year of working, I spent more time drinking Coke and cider and dancing than preparing food. I wasn't unhealthy. I still ate, but it was purely functional.

I rarely ate much before I went out for a night of dancing or before a session in the gym. I still won't on the occasions I do those things. Dancing or working out on a full stomach has always disagreed with me.

But between college, then work, and dancing and sleeping, there wasn't much time left for eating. At the time, I didn't see this as a problem.

However, while I completed a 365 Days project (a self-portrait a day for a year) in 2007, I looked back on a short video I made for college in 1996.

In retrospect, I think it's safe to say I was verging on anorexic. The video consisted of repeated loops of footage: me in the corner of my bedroom in a huddled position, the refrigerator door opening on an empty fridge, and the soundtrack of In Heaven (Lady in the Radiator Song) from David Lynch's film, Eraserhead.

Add a mild case of alcohol poisoning on a near-monthly basis, and I obviously wasn't in a good place at the time.

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in heaven everything is fine

When I incorporated a still from the footage in my 365 Days project, I was reaching back across time to try to reassure my younger self; to attempt to help her. It took me those 10 to 11 years to see her as she was then.

Until I was about 22, I had never weighed over 53kg. And then he started feeding me.

In 1998, I started dating a partner who loved cooking. Who loved food. He'd had and has continued to have battles with food and his body, but he rekindled my taste for food after about six years. If I found a meal I enjoyed out and about, he'd figure out how to make it for us. He'd always make far more than we could eat, but somehow we would eat it all. He would make it in the belief any leftovers would be eaten the next day, but they never stayed in the dish that long.

We were both working and saving to move to the UK within six months of officially becoming a couple. We also spent three months housesitting for his parents on the outskirts of Melbourne. So our activity levels dropped dramatically. We hibernated a lot during the Australian winter, and we spent a lot of time in front of the television.

My weight went up, though not drastically so. I was simultaneously comfortable and uncomfortable with that. I still didn't go above the upper ranges of the healthy weight range I'd memorised from my early teens throughout our relationship.

Between 2002 and 2007, various factors came into play that contributed to my weight gain. Depression, excess alcohol consumption, sedentary work, far less physical activity (only on rare occasions out dancing by the time I was 30), not enough sleep.

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adrift

Sometime in 2007, I reached 72kg for the first time. By June 2008, I dropped again to 61kg. By November that year, I was within about 5kg of my ideal weight. By March 2010, I managed to regain all I'd lost plus some to reach my new heaviest weight thus far of 74kg, in time for a road trip from Melbourne to Brisbane with my friend Phil. Somehow I still managed to take self-portraits during that trip that I don't hate, and some are arguably my best work.

Soon after my return from the road trip, I joined a gym again, and by the time I departed for the UK in January 2011, I'd managed to drop to 67kg. I somehow lost another 2kg in transit to arrive in London, weighing 65kg. I steadily whittled that weight back down to 53kg, one kilo above my ideal weight, by February 2012.

Late in 2010, I'd met a partner when I weighed about 68kg. We decided to try out a long-distance relationship when I moved back to London.

He had been on a weight loss journey before we met, with much more baggage to shake.

We both continued to lose more weight between January 2011, when I left Australia, and February 2012, when we reunited in person for the first time in London.

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can’t stand up for falling down

Although he was proud of my achievements, that visit left me perplexed. I had reached within 1kg of my ideal weight, which had made me happier about my body, and yet, somehow, he seemed less attracted to the new "tiny" me. Although there were other factors at play, I'm not going to lie that his reduced attraction to me didn't play at least some small part in my regaining weight.

Meanwhile, to drop to that weight and maintain it (or near enough), I realised my mind had had to shift a lot. Some of it was a healthy shift. But some of it was seriously unhealthy. Not the same type of 'unhealthy' as during my late teens and early twenties, but still not healthy.

I was obsessively counting calories and weighing myself. I spent at least five hours in the gym every week in 2011. In 2012, and until I sustained a foot injury that curtailed my gym-going for a while, I often spent over seven hours in the gym per week, taking part in lots of Les Mills classes and caning myself on a stationary bike.

Whilst seven hours per week in a gym isn't unhealthy in and of itself, the internal dialogue I was having with myself was anything but healthy. The time I was in the gym was penance or payment for poor choices made in my eating and drinking habits or my lack of activity in my daily life.

When I wasn't overtly punishing myself, I was trading calories out for calories I would subsequently be able to take in. If I burned 600 calories on the bike and 450 calories in a Body Pump class, I could eat that pizza or drink that cider, and everything would be okay.

Whilst reducing my weight to my ideal in 2011/2012, even the MyFitnessPal app ceased telling me how much I could expect to lose in five weeks "if every day were like today". I was regularly achieving a deficit in calories in/calories out that was deemed unhealthy. I consumed fewer than 1,200 calories and often burned more than 1,000 calories. Even fitness apps have a conscience.

By January 2013, I'd developed what a GP believed to be Morton's neuroma in my left foot. It was subsequently successfully treated as rheumatoid arthritis in one of the toe joints. The pain in my toe was so severe that it forced me to cut down and then stop exercising entirely.

After cortisone injections, I was discouraged from any impact exercise - running, jogging, jumping - for a while, at least, but possibly permanently. I was also warned not to wear high heels - even low ones - for any period. They would place more pressure on the ball of my foot and potentially rekindle the issue.

With my exercise options and time at the gym somewhat limited, I still spent a lot of time on the stationary bike. I was still keeping my weight within a reasonable range, but it crept up again over time, much of it caused by a lack of exercise and an excess of alcohol. But also through continuing to consume large quantities of food. That quantity of food was acceptable while I was exercising to excess. But, without the exercise to trade the "calories out" against the "calories in", there was a gradual weight increase.

Mixed in there, though not directly related to my weight, my relationship broke down. That contributed to more poor decisions on eating, drinking and exercise as well as depression, anxiety and poor sleep.

Since then, I've hit new highs and had lows again, though not as low as 53kg.

I've tried to be kinder to myself. More gentle.

I've tried to see myself the way I see other women now. Not the way I used to see other women, which was in an internalised misogynistic fat-shaming way. I see other women in a way where I don't think, "She would be beautiful if she lost some weight". I think "She is beautiful". And her weight - whichever end of the spectrum it is, or in the middle - doesn't influence why I see her that way.

It takes a lot of work. I can more easily see others as beautiful irrespective of their weight than I can look at myself in the mirror. Or look at photos others have taken of me when I'm overweight. Or that I'd taken of myself years ago when I was 70kg+.

It's still hard. I still have to re-train myself every time I look at photos of myself. It contributes heavily to why I don't take self-portraits anymore, though I want to.

But, even without being overweight, when I weighed in the low to mid-50s, I could pick apart every inch of my body to tell you what still needed work. What still made me "less than".

I've also grown up in a culture where to be desired is everything, even when I can see past a relationship being a measure of my worth. If I'm 100% honest, desire is still something I use to measure my self-worth. Lack of desire within a relationship is probably an even harder pill for me to swallow.

And it's so easy - when a former lover admits they find me less attractive due to my weight gain - to fall back into unhealthy behaviours, to punish myself. Because maybe my weight gain led to me being less desirable and to our break-up. But that doesn't fix anything that wasn't already broken. And it won't help me be who I want and need to be going forward.

Depending on the day of the week or the hour of the day. How many hours since my last meal and how much or how little I ate the day before. I weigh about 10kg less than I weighed at the new heaviest weight I reached a year ago.

I'm not "happy" with my current weight. I'm not "happy" with how I look, how my clothes fit me and how I look naked. And I know I have a lot of unhealthy habits.

But I also know many of my previous tactics that kept me at or helped me back to around 52kg aren't healthy.

I have to regularly remind myself that those who've never had an issue with weight will rarely understand or empathise. Whether blessed with a fast metabolism or never experienced an eating disorder, addiction or mental health issue.

I need to find a healthier way to get back to being strong and fit and resolve issues I have with my lower back strength. Not to mention regaining strength and confidence with my left ankle after the fracture I sustained in October 2019.

I need to continue to seek a healthier relationship with my body. I've been trying for so long. You would think it would become easier over time, but it doesn't.

metropolis

^{[I originally posted this entry as early access for my Patreon patrons on 3 July 2021].}

Here's a miniature city I found in the churchyard of the Parish Church of St Cuthbert in Edinburgh during a visit in 2011.

The theme of this week appears to have been communication and reconnection.

Not to be outdone by Anna and Penny, my friend Feih gave me a call on Tuesday that ran for 5 hours and 42 minutes. A long but enjoyable catch-up for the first time since early January.

On Wednesday, a much shorter call with Phil, but we still clocked up about 2.5 hours. And then a fairly standard length - two hours - video call via Skype with my Dad in the wee hours of this morning.

On Wednesday, I woke to some good news, finally. More information from my landlord meant my stress levels about finances have dropped somewhat.

On Tuesday evening, I'd found out the contract work I've been doing was expected to increase for a bit. But then, to counteract the good news on Wednesday, we were updated late this afternoon that there won't be any more work from Monday. At this stage, it's not clear if it's a brief hiatus or the end of the projects we've been working on.

I hope you've had a good week and connected or reconnected with people who make you feel special and loved xx

leader of the free world

^{[I originally posted this entry as early access for my Patreon patrons on 29 June 2021].}

When visiting Budapest with my parents in May 2012, I was a little surprised to find Ronald Reagan memorialised in Szabadság tér and, obviously, had to capture him.

I didn't realise until recently that he'd been in the square for less than a year when I visited. In fact, his likeness was unveiled on this day ten years ago.

The neo-Gothic Országház (translated: House of the Nation, otherwise known as the Hungarian Parliament Building) can be seen in the background.

windmills of your mind

^{[I originally posted this entry as early access for my Patreon patrons on 28 June 2021].}

Round like a circle in a spiral, like a wheel within a wheel
Never-ending or beginning on an ever spinning reel
Like a snowball down a mountain, or a carnival balloon
Like a carousel that's turning running rings around the moon
Like a clock whose hands are sweeping past the minutes of its face
And the world is like an apple whirling silently in space
Like the circles that you find in the windmills of your mind!

Like a tunnel that you follow to a tunnel of its own
Down a hollow to a cavern where the sun has never shone
Like a door that keeps revolving in a half-forgotten dream
Or the ripples from a pebble someone tosses in a stream
Like a clock whose hands are sweeping past the minutes of its face
And the world is like an apple whirling silently in space
Like the circles that you find in the windmills of your mind!

Keys that jingle in your pocket, words that jangle in your head
Why did summer go so quickly, was it something that you said?
Lovers walking along a shore and leave their footprints in the sand
Is the sound of distant drumming just the fingers of your hand?
Pictures hanging in a hallway and the fragment of a song
Half remembered names and faces, but to whom do they belong?
When you knew that it was over you were suddenly aware
That the autumn leaves were turning to the colour of her hair!

Like a circle in a spiral, like a wheel within a wheel
Never-ending or beginning on an ever spinning reel
As the images unwind, like the circles that you find
In the windmills of your mind!

- Marilyn Bergman / Michel Legrand / Alan Bergman

Original recording by Noel Harrison

A more irreverent version from The Muppet Show. This was probably where I first heard the song and why I always think it speeds up when the original doesn't.

of hearts and flowers

^{[I originally posted this entry as early access for my Patreon patrons on 27 June 2021].}

Another long overdue catch-up with another lovely friend today. One who's also recently gone through a break-up.

Victoria invited me to Paris to stay with her almost ten years ago. She wandered through Pere Lachaise Cemetery with me as I took the images from my stained glass series.

So good to message with her today, despite the circumstances that brought us together this time around.

van life

^{[I originally posted this entry as early access for my Patreon patrons on 26 June 2021].}

A random selection from my collection of older work that I hadn't previously edited.

This was taken on an abandoned property in Eight Mile Plains, Brisbane, all the way back in 2009. Exploring with the talented photographer, Mel Brackstone, after a spot of charity shopping for outfits to model in.

The house itself was the setting for two of my interior/exterior self-portraits, le moribund, and the walls keep saying your name.

I still have quite a lot of photographs that don't include me to edit from that day.

Today has been one of lengthy phone conversations with good friends back in Australia.

Talented artist Anna Maria Drutzel and I talked for about 3.5 hours in the wee hours of my morning. Discussing life, love, art. And wherein Anna tried to persuade me (unsuccessfully) to return to Australia.

A couple of hours after I woke again, Penny and I spoke for the first time in about 20 years. For four hours! Possibly the first real conversation we'd ever had, and definitely the first time we'd talked whilst I was sober (Penny, not so much). Despite having known each other for 26 years, most of our time together in the late 90s was spent dancing drunkenly and behaving badly with other regulars at various indie clubs across Melbourne. Not exactly the place for deep and meaningful conversations.

Both were pleasant distractions and yet another reminder of the generous and supportive people I'm blessed to have in my life.

untitled #26

^{[I originally posted this entry as early access for my Patreon patrons on 25 June 2021].}

So, I've known this was coming since December last year, but it took longer than expected.

Subsequently, it's landed at arguably the worst possible moment for me: my flatmate has given notice tonight that he's moving out at the end of next month.

untitled #25

^{[I originally posted this entry as early access for my Patreon patrons on 25 June 2021].}

I've decided it's about time my collection of fungi images were brought out of the dark and into the light more regularly.

So welcome to a new curated series I'll share with you going forward on #FungiFriday: the fungus among us.

This fellow was perched on the side of a tree on the side of the path on Parkland Walk.

untitled #51

^{[I originally posted this image as early access for my Patreon patrons on 24 June 2021].}

wrecked

^{[I originally posted this entry as early access for my Patreon patrons on 24 June 2021].}

So, yesterday was a bit tiring but mostly good.

After a day consumed by client work, I was about to settle in for an evening of photo editing. Before I did, I took a moment to catch up on social and clicked on an Instagram story from a friend.

To be honest, I rarely click on the stories of friends or accounts I follow. Not because I'm not interested in what they're sharing. But because they've often shared it to their feed as well. Or it's content they're sharing from others, which may or may not interest me.

Also, I generally have to be in the right mood for stories or reels, even IG video. And then there are the soundtracks people choose to accompany them, but that's a discussion for another time...

So, I was in for a bit of a shock when clicking on her stories yesterday evening.

Her bruised and swollen face looked back at me, and my first thought was that someone had beaten the hell out of her.

I held my thumb on the story to stop it from moving forward and took in the text and hashtags on the post to register what I was looking at. I let the next story play, and then I messaged.

She had been in a terrible car accident and, if not for people coming to her rescue, she could have died. I'm so thankful she didn't.

We met about 2005 via MySpace and became fast friends. We've shared so much in the intervening 16 years - especially in the first few years of our friendship (nudge, nudge, wink, wink) - despite spending so many of those years miles apart.

She's been a muse to me. One of the most easygoing models I've worked with.

She's given me access to inspiring natural and manmade environments in which to take self-portraits almost every time I've been able to visit her. Both in Australia and the UK.

She also managed to get my photography (and my cleavage) on the telly for the first time a few years back.

We don't chat enough these days, but when we do - as with many of my best friends - it's like picking up a conversation from two weeks ago instead of two years (or more) ago.

Despite having to undergo facial surgery to repair her broken jaw (hopefully today, Australian time), she hasn't lost her dark sense of humour.

I don't have any photos from my D700 from the last day we met up in Coolangatta on the final full day of my visit to Australia in late 2019. All those I took with my iPhone have already been shared.

That's why I decided to edit and share this photo from earlier in the road trip from Melbourne to Brisbane. I thought it might appeal to her dark sense of humour at this time.

So I'm relieved but still catching my breath a little with this news right now. And sending my love and the gentlest hugs across the time zones to her.