[I originally posted this entry as early access for my Patreon patrons on 4 May 2024].
let me hold your heart like a flower
[I originally posted this entry as early access for my Patreon patrons on 17 April 2024].
i fall in love too easily
[I originally posted this entry as early access for my Patreon patrons on 17 April 2024].
To celebrate my birthday, I thought I'd look through my archives of unedited self-portraits to find something from ten years ago that I may like to edit and share here and on social media.
In doing so, I found quite a number from a shoot I did in my bedroom in June 2014 that caught my eye after all this time.
I had previously edited a handful of photographs from the shoot, but ten years later, I'm drawn to other images.
As I don't share NSFW content at my lowest tier and can't share NSFW images on most social platforms, I decided to edit a photograph I could share publicly and one I could share early access here to those at 'the perfect 10' tier and above.
I also edited another NSFW image from this shoot that I'll share here in future.
It's been a while since I added work to my interior/exterior series (coming up to three years), but I feel this fits into that series.
Although I won't make this public here as I do with much of my work, I'll potentially share it on my blog and Flickr in a week. But, in the meantime, you get the first look.
I'll share the "safe for work" image with you and across social media later today.
basic (baby, you can drive my car)
[I originally posted this entry as early access for my Patreon patrons on 4 November 2022].
entrapment
[I originally posted this entry as early access for my Patreon patrons on 27 August 2022].
it's got pockets!
[I originally posted this entry as early access for my Patreon patrons on 24 August 2022].
As promised, this is the second image from a new series inspired during my recent gig cat-sitting Meg and Mog, titled plush.
The cats' mothers' new home features some vivid interior design colour choices. Colour choices they would not have made. But that they have inherited from the previous owners.
Jo and Becky are far less enamoured with these colour choices than I am.
While there, I struggled with going out and about much due to my health issues and the heatwave. So I spent quite a lot of time, when not working, hanging out in the lounge room with Meg and binge-watching the most recent season of The Handmaid's Tale ahead of the new season airing next month.
After my visit to Minera last October to cat-sit Meg and Mog while they house-hunted, Jo had sent me a link to the advertisement for their new home. When she contacted me to ask if I could cat-sit their two cuties again, I dug out the link and almost immediately asked about the decor. Had they torn out those carpets and removed the wallpaper?
Jo assured me everything was as it had been in the advertisement apart from (obviously) replacing the furniture with their own. I might have squee'd.
When I arrived, the carpet in the lounge was everything I had hoped for. However, I hadn't registered the purple carpeting in one of the bedrooms (the one I stayed in) and the blood-red carpet in the playroom (formerly the dining room) from the photos. Jo pointed out, quite rightly, that the red carpet would have helped mask red wine stains.
I enjoyed and shared the colour coordination of my tights and the carpet in my temporary bedroom before venturing out, trepidatiously, on a photo walk on my first full day there.
But, between work, the heat and my anxiety toward venturing out, I wasn't as attentive as I usually would be in thinking about potential photographic projects in the space during the first few days.
Fast forward to late afternoon Wednesday, and I found myself planning a series of self-portraits inspired by - of all things - the carpet.
I didn't have specific images planned out, but I knew the clothing I had with me and the three carpets I wanted to use as 'backdrops'. Anyone who knows me knows I love colour coordination, so that was in the forefront of my mind.
So I took an extended break from work late afternoon on Thursday to roll around on the floor during the heat and play with some ideas, moods and colour combinations.
So far, the other two images from the series are more related to how I've been feeling recently and thus more emotional. But this image is more playful.
As any woman who owns a dress with pockets knows, whenever someone compliments you on the dress, it's obligatory to announce, "It's got pockets!" And to proudly place your hands in the pockets to demonstrate how awesome it is to have those pockets.
Though my pose may not come across as enthusiastically as I would show you in real life, I am no less pleased with these pockets years after I bought the dress.
But, more importantly, this series is a celebration of carpets. Perhaps the series title should be plush: an ode to wall-to-wall carpeting*.
As a child growing up in the late 70s and 80s, carpets in the home were the norm. The thicker, the better.
I had lived in carpeted properties until about 2014. I even lived in a flat with a carpeted bathroom in 2000 (I don't recommend going that far!)
But since then, I have lived in homes sadly bereft of carpet.
I miss the softness of the carpet underfoot. I dislike the amount of noise I make walking on bare floorboards or laminate floors if I have shoes on. I wear my slipper socks to cushion my feet after a long day of walking, even in the summertime, because I don't have carpet to do that.
I spend much more time brushing dust and hair off my feet before putting my tights on while living in an uncarpeted home.
I remember the excitement of walking barefoot on Jo and Becky's carpet in Minera when I arrived. It was like coming home.
I rue bare floorboards coming back into fashion and landlords deciding laminate flooring is cheaper and easier to maintain. And I'm not ashamed to say so.
So, this will potentially become another ongoing series of self-portraits captured while cat-sitting, like wallflowers.
Let's see how the images pile up.
*I can't resist pointing out that this would also make a perfect title for a series of photographs of people sporting their natural pubic hair. A sight that is probably as rare as carpeted homes these days ;)
N.B. Don't worry about the bruising. That appeared to be from the careless carrying of my laptop bag during the journey to Cotton End. It was no worse and possibly less angry-looking than the bruising I acquired from recent blood tests. I decided not to edit it out. It was too large and had purple tones to match the carpet. Colour coordination :)
inner turmoil
[I originally posted this entry as early access for my Patreon patrons on 21 August 2022].
This photograph is the first from a new series, plush, I started while cat-sitting in Cotton End a couple of weeks ago.
I'll share more about the series - its inspiration, my intentions, etc. - with the second image, which I'll share midweek.
That one's a little more lighthearted.
let's take this offline
[I originally posted this entry as early access for my Patreon patrons on 3 July 2022].
Meeting people online is always interesting.
It can be the best place to meet people and, simultaneously, the worst. And, sometimes, it's just average.
I met some of my closest and most valued friends through social media before it was called that. Some of my lovers who have since become good friends I also met that way.
I've always seen it as an equally valid way of meeting people, like dancing with and talking to someone at a club or a bar. Meeting them at a gig or meeting them through a friend. Just that you can have a more involved conversation without shouting into each other's ears…
Dating apps are no different, though the intent is generally more overt.
I mean, I always went into meeting anyone from Friendster or Myspace with the view of meeting them as friends. Even if it ended up that we became more than that.
If you go into meeting people through dating apps with that same thinking, I think you're seen as disingenuous.
I'd rarely claim I was "in a relationship" with someone I met in a club less than two months after we met but starting from friendship seems "the wrong way of using a dating app" to some.
There are potentially many "wrong ways" to use a dating app. Finding clients. Finding Instagram followers. But, to be honest, even none of those are "wrong", in my view.
The only thing "wrong" is being dishonest with yourself and others about why you're using the app.
I currently have multiple professional and personal interactions with people I've met through dating apps across the spectrum of "why".
I know why I'm on those apps, but I'm open to why others are and don't impose my reasons on them. I just choose which connections I make.
And, worst-case scenario: I make some new friends along the way to finding a life partner, or I spend time (virtually or in-person) with someone that might not be a good match.
Do I honestly think I'll find a life partner on a dating app?
I'm sure I'll tell you if I do.
The self-portrait accompanying this post is a newly-edited outtake from day 104 of my 365 days project completed in 2007/08, addiction.
my bewildered mind
[I originally posted this entry as early access for my Patreon patrons on 9 May 2022].
built on air and ghosts
[I originally posted this entry as early access for my Patreon patrons on 12 January 2022].
gracefully insane
[I originally posted this entry as early access for my Patreon patrons on 1 January 2022].
a low ebb
2020 had its challenges, but I’m not going to lie. For me, personally, 2021 was a bitch.
I’m not going to expend more energy expanding upon that topic in this post.
I’ve tried to stop giving oxygen to elements in my life that proved to be unhealthy this year. Possibly for the first time in my whole life, that involved cutting ties with an ex-partner.
While this year has been a hard one for many reasons, there have been definite highlights.
And, especially when I was sick with Covid-19 back in July, I was overwhelmingly reminded of the brilliant global support network I have. I’m still gobsmacked by that. To those of you part of that network, both family and friends (and I’m sure you know who you are), I send you my love, and I’m forever grateful for you.
Before things went a bit more than pear-shaped this year, I managed to complete another 100 Day Project starting on 31 January 2021. I had a proper go at sketching every day. And, while I don’t profess to be a master illustrator, even after those 100 days, I created some not so terrible drawings.
The 100 Day Project for the coming year will start on 13 February 2022. I’ve had a few ideas of what I’d like to do, but we’ll see which one I settle upon.
Through my Patreon, I shared writings from my attempts at NaNoWriMo in 2009 and 2016. These are still rough second drafts and are currently only available to patrons.
I shared curated series from my sepulchre work, mushroom photographs, and travel photography.
I started my series of love letters to london, which I’d hoped to complete in 2021, but I will continue into 2022.
This year I took self-portraits for the first time since mid-2018 and have shared some that continue my interior/exterior series or fall into my new wallflowers series. I already have images from the latter to share in the new year.
I won’t bore you with my plant progress this year but suffice to say, my indoor plants fared better than the garden.
And I wrote actual handwritten letters for the first time in decades, inspired (or guilted?) by my friend Phil.
The things I let fall by the wayside this year were reading (beyond news articles of varying lengths) and language studies. Both I want to get back into in 2022.
In May, I unexpectedly found myself confronted by what is believed to be the oldest tree in London. A beautiful yew, she may be 2,000 years old.
She was more impressive up close than from a distance. I’ll share more close-ups of her beautiful contours in the new year, though I shared one previously.
In May, there was also a pleasant day out in Hertford. Exploring the source of the New River and wandering along the River Lea. Though there was also a bull charging me for photographing him!
In October, Scott and I explored the section of the New River (not new, not a river) between Hornsey and Finsbury Park.
At the end of 2020, I wasn’t overly hopeful for much travel this year. I would have settled for a weekend away somewhere within the UK.
Thanks to one of my longest-suffering friends, Phil, I visited Chichester and Bosham (first image in this post),
Itchenor
arundel cathedral
and Arundel.
untitled #203
And thanks to a cat-sitting gig for Jo and Becky, I was able to visit Minera,
untitled #144
Coedpoeth
and Wrexham.
However, the most unexpected and surprisingly fulfilling element of 2021 for me was becoming a cat-sitter.
Growing up and into my 20s and beyond, I was always a dog person. I couldn’t fathom cats. I would have said honestly at one point that I hated cats. So cat-sitting was not even close to being on my bingo card for 2021.
But really, in retrospect, I think it was more that I didn’t understand cats.
A chance pub quiz with friends led to me becoming a cat-sitter for the first time this year, and it’s something I hope to continue into 2022 and beyond.
There are side bonuses, like exploring new areas of London and beyond and locations for shooting self-portraits. And going “on holiday” but being paid for it.
But I’m not going to lie that the kitteh snuggles are lovely, and winning over an anxious or difficult kitteh brings a particular buzz with it. (Though I would be all good with less claw-to-skin action in demonstrations of affection…)
So, in order of appearance, here are the cool cats I’ve met this year (apologies for the photo quality with some. I hope to get better photos of them in future!)
Shiloh
Susie
Bao
Paczi
Meg
Mog
Sammy
Lily
Poppy
I’m not going to chance my hand predicting what 2022 will hold. But I have credit for travel that will hopefully take me back to Wales and Scotland, so that’s a positive start.
Anything else is a bonus.
I hope your 2022 is better than 2021.
someone to pour myself into
[I originally posted this entry as early access for my Patreon patrons on 30 November 2021].
in the room we will find each other
[I originally posted this entry as early access for my Patreon patrons on 30 November 2021].
a good mixture of nothing and everything is eating up my head alive
[I originally posted this entry as early access for my Patreon patrons on 29 November 2021].
a collection of dismantled almosts
[I originally posted this entry as early access for my Patreon patrons on 24 November 2021].
a spineless woman in a cage of bones
[I originally posted this entry as early access for my Patreon patrons on 23 November 2021].
The first image from a new series of self-portraits I started creating in September.
The series is titled wallflowers.
child psychology
[I originally posted this entry as early access for my Patreon patrons on 29 October 2021].
cat in a lap
[I originally posted this entry as early access for my Patreon patrons on 13 November 2021].
Shiloh photo-bombing another self-portrait shoot back in September on my last day of cat-sitting her and Susie in West London.
barefoot and pregnant
[I originally posted this entry as early access for my Patreon patrons on 2 October 2021].