Things have been a little sporadic here of late (which is probably a generous way to describe my postings, to be honest), and for that, I apologise.
This year has been hard so far, and it doesn't really feel like it's going to get much easier, given there's less than half of it left.
I've been struggling with depression and anxiety again.
Realistically, it's not recent. I've been struggling to some degree since 2023 (for those of you who've been around for a while, you'll know that's when my mum died), and maybe since sometime last year with anhedonia, my old friend.
I'd also been struggling with something I couldn't name since around the time I last visited Australia in June 2023, but it reached a fever pitch this year and last.
I wondered if it were perimenopause, but I don't have hot flashes, and I'm still on the combined pill, so apparently I wouldn't have symptoms of perimenopause while I am.
Some days, it literally felt like I was going crazy.
I've been struggling to juggle all the balls I had previously been managing to keep in the air (e.g. my photography and editing, a full-time "day job" and my pet-sitting) and wondering why that had changed. And why haven't I been able to manage half as much while I'm in between "day jobs"?
In late May, I got an answer to that in the form of an ADHD diagnosis. And now that I know more about ADHD burnout, my past and current mental health struggles make a lot more sense.
(Don't @ me with your "Isn't everyone a little ADHD?" Lots of people have some of the traits, but it's only a "disorder" if it's negatively impacting your life for a sustained period. Women and girls are woefully under-diagnosed, so many of us are just learning that things we thought were "normal" aren't, and that we're apparently extremely proficient at masking.)
I suspect I'm AuDHD, but I have to wait until at least April next year to be assessed for autism, even under England's Right to Choose scheme, as my area's integrated care board has put a hold on referrals until then. I won't know until nearer the time whether they will lift that pause, or if I will have to wait longer again.
I was lucky to be able to get a referral under Right to Choose for an ADHD assessment, as in some parts of the country there's a similar restriction on referrals for adult assessments for ADHD.
In Wales and Scotland, apparently they don't have Right to Choose, so I've heard waitlists can be 8 to 12 years on the NHS, which is insane.
Anyway, soon after being referred for assessment, there were flags raised about Dad's health, and about a month after my diagnosis, we got upsetting news about his likely diagnosis (his defibrillating pacemaker puts some tests, like MRIs, out of bounds for him, thus the use of the word 'likely' rather than 'definitive' or simply 'diagnosis').
I've been navigating my way through what my ADHD diagnosis means for me, trying to manage my symptoms, going back and forth in my mind about medication for it, and, as a family, we've been navigating next steps for Dad.
Thankfully, between my diagnosis and Dad's, I was finally able to book flights to visit him and my immediate and extended family similarly to my visit in June 2023.
I had been planning to do so as far back as December, intending to visit over my birthday in April, but as I was finishing up at my job after being made redundant, I delayed booking my flights. And then the orange one decided to start a war.
My usual route back to Australia has been via the Middle East since I returned to London in 2011, so the US and Iran going at it has made that risky at best, completely impractical and unsafe at worst.
In early June, I was going to bite the bullet and take my chances with an outbound flight via Dubai and a direct flight back. The latter would go via Middle Eastern airspace in normal times but, potentially, be rerouted, if necessary, via Singapore. Before that, all the options had been excessively expensive to fly to Brisbane via Singapore or other routes (read: over £3,000 all in), or they flew via the Middle East and Singapore, which defeated the purpose and extended the outbound flight time to ridiculous levels.
I was conscious that I didn't want to keep delaying my visit with Dad and my uncles and their respective partners, as they are all getting a little long in the tooth, and Dad's health had been very up and down since his visit to London in September 2024.
On the evening I booked, I found Qantas had finally added flights from LHR to BNE via Singapore only. For some reason, they then limited the selection of internal flights, offering me significantly earlier or later than I wanted, so I ultimately bought my outbound flight separately from my internal flights and my PER to LHR flight. It cost me almost an extra £600 across the flights and travel insurance, but it was worth it for the peace of mind.
With a travel advisory for the UAE from the UK government in place, any travel insurance would not cover cancellations or replacement flights if my flight were rerouted to Oman or similar, not to mention the impact of potential delays on the limited time I would have with family.
I knew that, if needs must, Qantas would reroute my direct flight back from Perth to London via Singapore (they've been doing this since late February) at no cost to me or my insurer, which they did about 24 hours ago. Unfortunately, my departure time is now three hours earlier, though only a 25-minute later arrival time. I had hoped the time would be added to the arrival end so I wouldn't lose time with my family in Perth. But I guess beggars can't be choosers.
In amongst this, I've been continuing to job-hunt, but finding it a struggle with my ADHD symptoms and the heat (I basically shut down during heatwaves, of which we are about to start our fifth for this summer. I moved to the UK for a "temperate" climate (amongst other things). FML).
I've managed to keep myself afloat (somewhat) mentally with my pet-sitting, which has been almost back-to-back since May, and will continue that way until I go to Australia, but that is a double-edged sword.
A story for another day (maybe), apart from saying that my very favourite kitteh I sit, Lily, is now on the palliative care route. It was unspeakably hard to leave her on Tuesday afternoon, knowing that she may not still be there for cuddles, pats and late-night binge-a-thons when I sit my "regulars" again over Christmas (they are less "regular" in the latter half of this year due to other bookings and my trip to Australia). There were A LOT of tears (and there will be more, I'm sure).
Thankfully, my favourite doggo, Frank, who I'm currently sitting, and who has also been poorly, is on the mend. I couldn't have coped with two beloved clients being diagnosed with something serious so close together.
Given all that, I hope you can forgive my erratic posting and semi-absenteeism. I want to reassure you that it will be better going forward, but I've learned not to make such promises. Sometimes, life gets in the way.
I do still take a lot of photos. I try to edit them when I can (and when my "vintage" iMac lets me. It has no pretensions. Disk Utility tells me openly that its hard drive is "failing"), and I try to make space to write and share my perspective on the world with you. On days when my anhedonia is overwhelming, I try to ignore that feeling (or lack of feeling?) and do it anyway because I still love photography and all the things it teaches me about myself and the world.
My curiosity and wonder for all I see around me haven't left me. They just sometimes get swamped by everything else going on. Don't even start me on the state of the world and climate change, and how they are affecting my mental health...
So for now, here are the photos I took with my D700 from where I stood when we scattered Mum's ashes at Buttons Beach in Tasmania on 18 June 2023. In October, I'll stand there again.
Qantas tells me it's 59 days until I fly to Australia.